On the homefront Step forward — leave your fears behind

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear”.

Jack Canfield

Each tennis match I begin afraid. My arms stiffen, my feet are heavy and my mind battles the fears associated with losing. I look across the net and my opponent appears overwhelmingly fierce and intimidating. When I hit the ball inevitably it is off the rim of the racket. The situation demands a change.

I have to dig deep emotionally and find the frail voice that says ‘push back.’ I slowly, but repetitively, say “I can do this” and foremost “give it your all.” Once past the initial fear, I gain my composure and the game goes well. In the end I fully enjoy it.

This is a lesson in facing our fears. If we don’t tackle our fears they will limit us. By facing them, we gain inner strength and growth.

How many of us have said one or more of the following?

“I hate my job, but I am afraid to change it.”

“If I tell him what I really think, I am afraid he will laugh.”

“If I am myself, I might be rejected.”

“I am afraid to try, I might make a mistake and look foolish.”

Some people are afraid to fail, while others fear success. The fears are many.

We live in a fear-driven society. We hold back. We hide. We allow our dreams to be thwarted and succumb to our feeling of powerlessness.

As David Kessler in his book “Life’s Lessons” writes, “the dying have learned that fear doesn’t matter.” He goes on to say most people at the end of life regret worrying so much and wish they were afraid less.

STOP

Give yourself and others a chance. Most situations are not life-threatening and dangerous. We are not looking in the mouth of a tiger. These are life’s normal challenges, and if one stays on course, can be navigated.

Every day I see people in therapy who come to address their fears. Some have lost their jobs and fear not finding another. Some have lost a loved one and fear permanent loneliness. And, some don’t understand their partner and fear breaking up. The list of fears is endless.

In the beginning individuals often describe themselves as weak for having to seek help. They wonder why they can’t figure their situation out alone. Yet, on the contrary, they are wise and insightful. They realize that fear has become too powerful. When fear is dominant, hope is questioned and courage is diminished. Because they are so overcome by their fears, they are unable to see their strengths. Their resilience and power is overshadowed by the wound they are experiencing.

By identifying resilience and ways they have historically pushed through situations, individuals can rally their strengths and begin regaining personal power. By believing they possess the power to make a difference, they can gradually chip away at their fears. They step forward.

As Mark Twain said, “Courage is the resistance to fear, mastery of fear and absence of fear.” This can manifest in small ways or larger ones. My first example is a simple, yet out of the ordinary one. A few years back a flying squirrel disrupted my home. The cats were enthralled and enjoyed chasing it from room to room. The squirrel overturned pictures, snagged curtains and eventually landed on a wall tapestry.

Afraid of this flying rodent, I enlisted my friend for assistance. She placed a trap on the piano, directly near the tapestry. The cats guarded the squirrel, who was disinterested in the trap. The friend later harkened back accompanied by her husband. He laughed hysterically as she shooed the cats upstairs, opened the front door and gently nudged the squirrel. The squirrel flew right at her, stuck to her vest and stared up at her. Unraveled, she walked the squirrel to the door and it flew away. She had no fear. She stepped forward.

My last example of courage occurred more than five years ago. A wonderful man became seriously ill and was hospitalized for three months. His body was breaking down gradually. He knew he was dying and insisted his final days be at home. The doctors said he was not strong enough. With persistence he willed his body to strength and eventually was permitted home. The first day he sat on his porch, took a few puffs from his tobacco pipe, and appreciated views of his garden and barn. Throughout the week, he was comforted by his wife and five adult children. Mid-week he informed his youngest daughter he was ready to let go and die. He requested the presence of loved ones. The next day everyone came. They played music and sang songs that spanned throughout the seasons. They reciprocated kind words. This man said “goodbye” his way and wasn’t afraid to die.

Dr. Constance Johannessen has opened a new private practice, Johannessen Psychology Services, located on 20 Ladd St., in Portsmouth. She is a licensed psychologist who has practiced for more than 20 years and specializes in couples, individual and group therapy.